Bull shit. The prettiest, least smelly kind of bull shit but still complete and total Dan-themed-bull-shit. Everyone in the town wanted something, even her. And in all honesty she would rather know the agenda now then find it out later. But that wasn’t how this worked as she had grudgingly been forced to accept.  

"Is that right?"  Sarcasm dripped from her voice.  She was shocked the shiny polished floor wasn’t slippery.  She eyed him for a moment before muttering a swear in Russian under her breath.  She was going to regret this and she already knew it.  Reaching into her bag she shifted the files in one arm.  "Tell you what darling.  How about you call me when you have the details worked out.”  

They both knew what ‘details’ meant; when Selina or he figured out what they wanted for it.  Holding out her card to him her fingers kept a grip on it for a moment, as if she didn’t want to let it go.  It felt like she was making a deal with the devil right now.  Not that it would be the first time she had to shake his hand.

When she whipped out her business card, Dan did his best not to start drooling. Because that was it. His in. And, sure, phone numbers had failed him before. Hell, ins had failed him before. It was never a done deal until it was a done deal. Amy, ironically, had been one of many to teach him that lesson—he’d wined and dined and fucked her for a week and, someone, she’d “lost his resume.” That bitch. Of course, Dan had gotten into the Veep’s office on his own merits and his pseudo-relationship with Amy was now water under the bridge, something he used to poke her occasionally like a caged lion, but it just went to show that a card was a good fucking start, but it wasn’t everything.

Dan was a deal closer. He was going to close this baby one way or another and, by the end of it, Alexandrov Jr. was going to leave properly ruined but smiling like a content sheep on Xanax. Ah, politics.

He pried her card from her reluctant fingers, all smiles now, and said, “Sure. It’s a deal. I’ll call you.” Normally, that was an empty promise, but this time, he would actually call her. And he did. Because after he left that event, Selina took a mighty international plunge. Her parody song (which Dan had thought at the time was fucking hysterical) was somehow less-funny to everyone else. And now it looked like every country was glaring at Selina, waiting on an apology.

So Dan thought. And, being campaign-manager-to-be, Dan acted. He pulled out his phone, flipped through his contacts, and texted the closest thing he had to foreign relations—Nina. 

[txt:] Doing anything tonight? I’ll buy you a drink at Oliver’s. 

"Dan, you’re like the closest person I’ve ever met to the guy in America Psycho. And I think you might think that that’s a compliment, but that’s just because a part of your brain is missing.” 



What’s your character’s ranking on the KINSEY SCALE? 

2. Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual.


"It’s about using my weapons wisely, if you wanna think I’m running to mom cause it helps you sleep at night, then go ahead. I don’t fucking care what you think. Speaking of which, keep your advices to yourself. If you had at least half of the sex appeal I own, you couldn’t keep your dick to yourself either. Unfortunally for some, life decided to punish them with ordinality. Xanax, wow! Congrats, you’re such a rebel. You’re coming up, saying those things, pretending you’re better than me and trying to make me feel like crap. But you know what? You’re not better. You got your own vices, does it give you any right to lecture me about the way I live my life? I think not."


It’s funny, but out of all the kid’s comments, the bit about ordinality really gets under Dan’s skin and makes his jaw set, suppressing the urge to sock the President’s son in the jaw. The truth is, in Dan’s little world, he’s a fucking rockstar. He’s got interns who will sink to their knees for him in minutes flat. He’s got White House staff who fear him because they know he’s a shark in shark’s clothing. But compared to TJ Hammond? He’s just another pawn piece. And that wounds his pride. 

Dan should just know his place and smile through it. Unfortunately for Dan, his temper has a bad habit of getting the best of him and now it lashes out in a bad way, “Listen, kid, if you were Mick Jagger’s’ son, I wouldn’t give a sinking shit who you fucked and what you put up your nose. But this is politics, not daycare, so quit shitting in your diaper because, one of these days, I’m not going to be there to clean it up.”


THE PURGE AU: Killer Couple

Muse A and Muse B love the Purge, it’s the one time of year they can be free and get revenge on anyone and everyone they believe wronged them. (Even if it was just giving one of them a bad look). They are the couple people avoid because they know Muse A and Muse B will slaughter anyone who gets in their way. From 7:00pm-7:00am, the two of them raise hell, and can’t wait until the next year where they can do it again.



Nina smiled to herself before withdrawing her hand and looking back up at him. She would not lie; one of her favorite things to do was to play Dan. They both got what they wanted out of it after all and he was just too into the game for it not to be enjoyable. She herself had never really been much for the game. It was more about the Cause for her but for some reason him playing her made her want to play him right back.

"I know she does darling. I read peoples bios." She told him with a sly grin. "The big question on my end would be what would she want out of it?”

No that actually wasn’t the big question. The big question was what did he want out of it. But that was a mine field that needed to be navigated around carefully.

Of course, he couldn’t fool her with his fancy peacock dance. He could dance and hop around all he wanted, trying to distract her with his shiny promises and his flourish prose, but she was a people’s person and, furthermore, a child of politics. He lived with a political brat, he knew what they grew up to be—sharp-eyed, shit-connoisseurs, they could smell it on your breath. She knew when she was being played. And, still, Dan couldn’t help but keep playing. Asking Dan not to bullshit was like asking a unicorn to hang up its horn. It was the best thing about him. His shiniest asset. His non-people people skills.

"Nothing but good will for the local community and good deeds to store in her karma bank." He keeps his smile, keeps his poise, and says, "Selina is all about long term relationships. This can be the start of a beautiful friendship." He should’ve been in the fucking mafia. 

Dan: “That’s how I was raised.”

M!A: You assume that everything everyone says to you, for the next 48 hours, is a lie intended to get you fired.


"That’s…clearly…why would you say that?"

[text] So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one’s for Team USA.


{Text} There are so many things that I want to say right now…

{Text} One:  Its so nice to know that you’re wearing a condom so you’re not procreating.  

{Text} Two: Can’t make eye contact huh?  

{Text} Three:  Next time you should shout “Captain America!” As you finish

[ Text: ] Comments:

[ Text: ] 1. duh. 

[ Text: ] 2. I can quit not making eye contact anytime i want to.

[ Text: ] 3. I haven’t seen a movie in the last eight years I have no idea what you’re talking about. 



Nina fought the urge to roll her eyes at the man. She knows what he wants. Its what everyone in DC wants. Money, power, glory.

"You might want to brush up on what we do first love. The children wont be a problem but I dont actually run a soup kitchen." She doubted that the man really knew what the inside of a soup kitchen looked like. "Literacy for children with non american parents to put it simply. But I do know a few soup kitchens since you’re obviously so desperately in need of a date." She smirked and reached out to smooth out an imaginary rumble in his colar.

Of course, all of Dan’s political charm went to shit the moment she started poking holes in him. Yeah. He needed to work on his background checks. Practically the first rule of schmoozing. Know what the fuck you’re talking about. A small set-back, though. He’d correct it soon enough.

She corrected his collar, he fought the urge to tell her all of his suits were ironed by hand an hour before throwing them on, but he said, instead, “Even better. Veep’s got some big plans for education…children…she’s got one of her own, you know? That kind of thing is definitely very…near and dear to her heart. Tell you what, Selina’s got a big speech coming up, I think I can pull some strings, get you front and center.”

Not that Dan really gave a shit about literacy. No, he cared much more about Daddy Alexandrov.